Your dad touched me again.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
