Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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