Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
