You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
