This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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