my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
