lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
