So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
