as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
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It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
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Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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