whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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