Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
