Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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