There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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