I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he shaved USA in his pubs
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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