He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
