I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
