why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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