yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
