I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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