he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
