You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
