We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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