somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
