y did u give ur computer a hand job?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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