it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
