k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
