just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
