i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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