I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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