if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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