4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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