We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
