it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
