I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You took a bar mat shot.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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