that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
