Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
