she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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