His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style