Texts From Last Night

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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.

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  (704): I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing. http://tfl.nu/dymp
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now

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  (816): I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now http://tfl.nu/vuci
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

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  (847): Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport? (1-847): It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok. http://tfl.nu/wou3
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.

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  (618): Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog. http://tfl.nu/c9by
  Replies (29) Good night (2139) Bad night (4835) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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  (732): I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome. http://tfl.nu/zzpw
  Replies (25) Good night (6585) Bad night (823) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.

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  (479): They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless. http://tfl.nu/hmfp
  Replies (9) Good night (2995) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

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  (904): masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap http://tfl.nu/sdgt
  Replies (9) Good night (3530) Bad night (743) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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  (412): he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with. http://tfl.nu/jmfl
  Replies (13) Good night (5398) Bad night (1186)
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  (585): View more from New York

  What's the over under on catching something from your sister?

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  (585): What's the over under on catching something from your sister? http://tfl.nu/0z2a
  Replies (20) Good night (608) Bad night (2920) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.

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  (301): Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces. http://tfl.nu/8qa1
  Replies (15) Good night (793) Bad night (2545)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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  (217): Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up? http://tfl.nu/08g9
  Replies (7) Good night (4230) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.

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  (407): I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense. http://tfl.nu/ur01
  Replies (9) Good night (532) Bad night (1528)
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  (310): View more from California

  If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave

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  (310): If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave http://tfl.nu/1hv2
  Replies (1) Good night (728) Bad night (280) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker

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  (307): I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker http://tfl.nu/4xt0
  Replies (6) Good night (1005) Bad night (285) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?

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  (954): Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over? http://tfl.nu/e816
  Replies (12) Good night (631) Bad night (1100)

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