my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
