I should be sponsored by Trojan
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This beer is not sobering me up at all
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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