hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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