I want you more than these girls want KFC
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
