People in love make me want to vomit
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
