Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
