$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
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i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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