so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
