i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
