I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
