I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
