If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
