Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
