i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
