thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
