Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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