After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
