Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
